


Old Man My Ass

by Tarshil



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Humor, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 22:51:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10371555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarshil/pseuds/Tarshil
Summary: Dante is thirty-seven and couldn't care less. But the words: "old man" don't sit too well with him. Don't suit him. So when Lady and Nero fall into the hands of a nutty demon and his cult, Dante goes to show them how old men get shit done.





	1. Chapter 1

"Old man my ass." Marvin (John Malchovitch)

Prologue

"Lady, get your tits out of his face."

"My tits are nowhere near his face."

Nero begged to differ. He sat next to Dante on his tattered, cat-piss smelling couch with a violent brunette's cleavage inches from his face as she leaned over the arm of the couch and over him to grab a handful of Dante 's coat. Lady practically pulled Dante over Nero, but the devil hunter sat without a care in the world with an arm draped behind Nero over the back of the couch. Nero was sandwiched. He couldn't lean away because Dante's arm was there and he couldn't stand up because he would dive in face first into Lady's boobs.

"Are we on or not, you slippery bastard? Don't think I'll let you off so easily, so stop wasting my time! I've got shit to do!"

"I already did one shit job this week and that's one too many for me. Ask Nero here. He's pretty good."

"Um...what?"

"Look! The poor kid can't think! Give him space to breathe!"

With a growl Lady yanked Dante forward. Now there was a broad, old, unwashed-leather smelling chest nearly crushing his face as well. Nero closed his eyes and counted the seconds for the torment to be over.

"He doesn't owe me a ridiculous amount of money!" Lady paused for a second and abruptly released Dante. "Fine, I think I'll take the kid after all," she said, sitting on the arm of the couch and throwing an arm around Nero's shoulder. Lady was slender but her biceps were power-packing rocks. Had to be for a woman that handled a motorbike and bazooka like they were sacks of grain.

"What are you scheming now?"

"Listen, Dante, I need help. I can't go further than the catacombs. This kid is part demon right? If you won't go than I'll take him but I'll make sure he doesn't lend you a cent. Got it, kid?"

"Do I have choice," muttered Nero.

"Not if you want to keep the tires on that black beauty parked up front."

"Shit, Lady. Why do you have to be such a pain in the ass?"

"Say that when you've been on the receiving end of my strap-on, Dante. Or shut up."

"I'll help you out, Lady," Nero interceded before he was further enlightened on Lady's sexual endeavors. "Arguing with the old man is just wasting our time."

Dante looked affronted. "Old Man?"

Lady grinned. "I like him. He's actually got a brain, unlike you."

Crossing his arms in what everyone knew was false nonchalance, Dante said to Nero, "Kid let me tell you something. Whether you're right or wrong doesn't mean shit. We're men. We're supposed to protect each other from women - not team up with them!"

"Dude, what are you on?"

Lady tighten her hold on Nero, crushing her soft tits against the side of his head. "He just knows to pick the winning side. At least it'll get him laid."

"Please. I get plenty, okay? You can't handle this."

"I really do have a strap-on."

"And I don't want you to handle this even if you could."

"Okay," cried Nero and shot off the couch. He had enough. "Thanks for that class in how not to be when you're old."

Even though Dante looked offended, Lady let out a great peal of laughter. "Ah," she said. "You're cute. Okay, get strapped, boy. We're going on my bike!"

Dante watched Lady saunter out of his office, before turning to Nero with a look of fatherly concern. "Don't let her get too strapped."

"Oh, shut up, Dante." Nero shook his head at the older devil hunter and followed Lady out of the Devil May Cry agency, his new home.


	2. Honey Trap

Chapter One: Honey Trap

Nero stepped up to the force field blocking the stone stairway down into the underground caverns that were their destination. It was almost invisible except with a slight, pink shimmer. They were in a large and musty chamber within the catacombs hidden beneath an old mausoleum. Lady, being human, had a flashlight with her as she stepped up behind him.

"That's it," she said. "The force field is made up of demonic energy, stopping any humans from entering. Only demons—or those with demon blood in their veins—can enter."

Nero stretched his arm out and, right enough, it went right through the energy wall. "Okay," he said. "So I can go through. But how will you?"

"Isn't it obvious? You have to find what is causing it and destroy it. The mechanism can't be far."

Nodding, Nero stepped down the first few steps. "Alright! Leave it to me."

"And don't go on ahead without me!"

Turning around to meet Lady's glare, he answered, "Relax. I'm not Dante."

Lady's usually hard face softened. She gave him a small smirk. "You're right. You're a good kid. Okay, go on!"

Nero gave her a nod, and disappeared into the dark stairway. He could see with his demonic sight. The stairway wound round, much deeper than he thought it would be. Once he reached the floor, he scanned his surroundings. Even with his demonic sight, it was dark enough to make him cautious of his steps. It looked like a small, empty cave chamber with a narrow tunnel at the end: the only way forward.

As he made his way down the tunnel, he caught scent of a rancid stench. Like a pile of dead animals were left to rot someplace near, but there was a sweet, cloying undertone to it. As he closed in on the mouth of the tunnel, he heard strange sounds and the smell grew stronger.

Gross, he thought, drawing his sword, Red Queen, and bringing his free hand up to his nose. As soon as he stepped into the second chamber, he saw what it was. His eyes grew wide, the hand that was covering his nose, now covered his mouth. Probably in shock, or probably in a futile gesture to hold his bile in.

Fuck...instant PTSD!

High above, glued to the roof of the chamber, where two oddly shaped demons. Both had the globe-like bodies of toads but with protruding necks and tiny heads that had the appearance of worms. They were copulating, emitting high-pitched sounds like babies crying, and their bodies were covered in a pink, glowing goo which trickled down like stalactites and splattered on the floor. The goo was what was releasing the stench.

"You bastards..." Nero turned the blade downward, edge aimed at the demons. With his other hand he drew his gun, Blue Rose. "Have you any idea the mental damage you caused me!"

At his cry, the demons stopped their unholy union and snarled at him. He shot several rounds until they both fell to the ground with two, resounding "plops!" over their own goo.

"Oh, what the...!"

The stench, beyond all odds, got even worse. A few drops of glowing goo landed on his boots. Nero was pissed.

"It's official,"he snarled. "I fucking hate toads!"

The goo covering their bodies seemed to act as bullet proof. That meant he would have to get in close and cut them down. The demons cried out in anger; they sounded like a horde of zebras being killed. Nero growled in frustration before lunging towards his targets with a sharp battle cry, all the while blaming Dante for dumping him with what he deemed the single most traumatic demon extermination mission of his life.  
__________

Lady tapped her foot impatiently. She knew the kid wouldn't let her down but she had never been proficient at waiting like a good girl. Sometimes being human sucked, in her opinion. The limitations, aside from the physical ones, spanned over to bullshit situations like this one.

When faint but audible screeches started, echoing through the caves below, she straightened her back, on alert. The kid could handle it, she knew, but she itched to annihilate and destroy. Waiting fucking sucked.

But she didn't wait long. When the screeches ended, she tested to see if the force field was still up. When her arm went right through, she voiced her thanks to Nero, pointed her flashlight forward, and proceeded down the winding stairway.

A cloying stench pervaded the caves below. She brought her hand up to her nose, thinking, What the fuck is that? As she drew closer, her flashlight illuminated splatters of glowing pink goo. This can't be good. She pointed the flashlight to the sides of the second chamber and up to the roof, sneering at the disgusting slime that covered everything.

Suddenly she gasped when she focused her flashlight on the center of the chamber. There was Nero, standing stiffly, dripping in goo. His face was indecipherable.

"Uh...kid? You okay?"

"No."

Lady nodded. If it had been Dante she would have cursed his pathetic appearance and told him to deal. But Nero had grown on her. So, not being a woman completely devoid of compassion, she said, "If you want, we can postpone this until you get cleaned up. You can use the pond next to the mausoleum."

After a moment of contemplation, Nero shook his head. "No. It's fine. Let's get this over with. The sooner, the better."

"Right. So...I'm guessing what caused that force field was..."

"Yeah. The two ugliest demons in hell...fucking."

"Hm. But something doesn't seem right. If that force field was something they generate to protect themselves during their copulation, why did it only prevent humans from entering? It should have prevented demons from trespassing as well."

"It did," said a male voice from the mouth of the cave from which they came in. At the same time Nero slew around and aimed Blue Rose, Lady brought her flashlight and her Uzi up towards that direction. There stood a tall demon in the form of a dark-haired man wearing an expensive-looking suit. Flanking him were black-robed figures. "Only very powerful demons are unaffected by such a trifle," he added.  
__________

"Who the hell are you," Nero demanded.

Lady kept her eyes trained on the line of humanoid demons blocking their exit. She sensed something was wrong. It felt too much like a trap.

"Me? I'm just a fan of your work, devil hunter."

Nero swore under his breath before retorting cockily, "You don't say? Then let me give you an autograph!" He ran right at the man with Red Queen, ignoring Lady's warning shout.

Several of the robed figures swiftly moved to circle him. At the deafening sound of the Uzi's rapid firepower, several of the robed figures went down. Two of them managed to reach Nero but he parried them both with ease.

"That all?" Revving up Red Queen, he swung it around, catching both of his attackers on her blade, then tossed them across the chamber.

"Nero!"

It was too late. He should have known that initial attack was just a faint. The dark-haired demon had come up behind him and run him through with a thin but vibrating black-bladed sword. While a normal blade that size wouldn't have caused much damage to him, the vibrations were doing something strange to his arm, whose blue glow went dead. His head started to get fuzzy.

"Oh dear," exclaimed the demon. "You're not Dante!"

Nero heard Lady scream, "Bastard!" and the demon yanked the sword out from his midriff, as the sound of Lady's Uzi was exchanged for Kalina Ann's, but soon after, everything went dark.  
_________

When the demon dodged Kalina Ann's blast, Lady thrust the bayonet attached to the bazooka in the direction she predicted the demon would be next, but he was too quick. An annoyingly confident grin was plastered on his face the entire time. The way he twisted and twirled out of harm's way was like a dance.

"The fuck are you, buddy? A ballerina?"

With a back flip, he landed a few feet away from Kalina Ann's reach. "I am in fact! Or was. Sadly I'm retired but I'll gladly give you my best performance if you ask nicely!" He winked at her and she sneered back.

The entire time he was speaking, Lady had restocked Kalina Ann. "Ew. Time to die, Primadonna!"

"You ignorant troglodyte. That refers to a leading opera singer. I'm a premier danseur!"

"Shut the fuck up." She fired her bazooka, ostensibly aimed at the demon, but he had proven to be too quick for her. Her target this time was the carcasses of the demons that Nero slew, which were lying right behind the demon. Considering how much of a dandy the bastard was, her suspicions about the effect the blast of goo pouring over him would have on him proved correct.

His shrill cry pierced her ears. "You bitch!You shouldn't have pissed me off! This is a Desmond Merrion limited edition!"

That stopped him in his tracks and she quipped, "Why are you wearing that shit while picking fights in the sewers! Don't blame me for getting your pretty clothes ruined," right before embedding several 9mm rounds from her Uzi into him.

The demon screamed and reeled back, but, to her astonishment, he remained on his feet. Glaring at her, eyes bright red, he looked about to pop a vein. All of a sudden, his face morphed into a cocky grin. It took her a second too late to realize he had glanced behind her before his expression had changed. The profound smell of onions accosted her as something heavy crashed onto the back of her head, knocking her out.  
__________

Dante was napping peacefully, his filthy boots resting over his desk, arms crossed and that month's issue of Playboy draped over his face. The sun was setting, peeking above the buildings outside, painting the whole office with a soft, warm glow. The dusty old fan above squeaked and wobbled as it turned. It was quiet.

Trish kicked his legs off the desk, jolting him awake, and sat on it's edge. Dante sat up, forcefully told his heart to calm down from its initial alarm, then picked up the magazine off the floor and set it next to Trish.

Unlike with Lady, he spoke with a bit more respect to Trish. The fact that she could cause real damage aside, she was the spitting image of his mother. Even acted like her sometimes. It wasn't in him to curse her out. However, he did mutter casually, "Is it at all possible to wake me up normally once in a while?"

Trish laughed. "Maybe. But where's the fun in that?"

Dante let that slide. He didn't care much how he was treated. That's how confident he was. He laid back on his chair, bringing his hands behind his head, and smirked up at her. "So. What brings you here?"

"I heard you have a new employee."

"Oh, yeah. The kid."

"Yeah: the kid. He's the one from Fortuna, right?"

"Lemme guess...Lady gossip."

"We chat from time to time."

"So what? You came all this way just to look at him? He's not here right now. On a mission with Lady."

Trish leaned back on her arms and gave him a sly smirk. "Shame. He was a sweet looking kid, all virginal but trying to hide it. I just wanted to welcome him into the mold."

"Well forget it. You're old enough to be his..."

Trish laughed. "Yeah?"

Dante cleared his throat. "Damn it. What is he? Some kind of woman magnet? This is not that kind of establishment!"

Rolling her eyes, Trish stood up. "Oh, please! Like you weren't the same back in the day! I swear it was like watching ants crawl over honey. You didn't seem too quick to chase women out of here then."

Something in her words caught Dante's undivided attention. In fact, after she said "back in the day," he hadn't heard anything else. "What do you mean back in the day?"

A contemplative expression suddenly came over her face, and Dante profoundly hated it when she did that. It was the same face his mother would give him when he was a little boy and he was hiding something. Instead of prying, however, Trish shrugged and walked over to his old, torn couch. "I-" She was abruptly interrupted by the glare of a vehicle right outside one of the windows and the sound of its motor running, right before it came crashing in.

Trish and Dante flew out of their seats, guns at the ready. But there was no one. It was a riderless motorcycle, now lying in the middle of the DMC office. It was Lady's bike. Her and Nero's weapons were strapped to the seat.

"I'll go check outside," cried Trish and ran out.

Dante cautiously stepped over the debris towards the bike. He didn't sense any demonic presences nearby. Whoever had directed the bike into his agency was long gone. Their message had been delivered.


End file.
